LAST MEN ON EARTH 147

If this were a Friends episode, it would be called The One Where Lex and Matt ramble on because it’s the New Year and also drinking beer. Though we’d have to shorten that for the TV Guide recap. Also, you’d have to have a laugh track to tell you which parts are the jokes. Nevertheless, in our first week back in 2019, we have a ton to say and it needs to be heard. Maybe not needs, but ought, or maybe highly suggested. 2019 is shaping up to be filled with even more cynical dumb shit from dumb people than 2018. As ever, we remain on watch.

In this week’s Last Men on Earth podcast we delve deep into Tiffany Haddish’s idiotic comment about wearing fur until cops stop killing black people, wonder if Louis C.K. and his Parkland jokes are nearly as bad as the outrage mongers who look them up to force others to hear them and be equally outraged, question the intersectionality credentials of the new Rose Parade queen, watch the Women’s March cancel themselves for lack of intersectionality, and wonder what will become of the next Rose McGowan’s payday now that California has outlawed NDAs in sexual harassment settlements. Go Truth!

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Before we get to our predictions for the coming year, Matt and I rounded out 2018 by dealing with some of the more profound issues facing our world. Dicks in thongs, Pete Davidson’s cries for help that ought remain unanswered, feminists in Hollywood being equally as horrible a fat gross male predators in Hollywood, and some sinister shit Taylor Swift pulled off to endanger the privacy of every living person on this planet. Also, there’s a moment when I cry on behalf of Ukrainian preteens who are no longer being shuttled off to Paris to be sexually exploited by men named Guy because the Jenners have taken all the modeling gigs in the world. This may be our motion emotionally arousing episode ever. It’s our longest. I can’t believe this shit is free.

Speaking of, as a gift to us for Christmas, don’t forget to pay your buck a month and become a patron/benefactor/dirty john of the show. It not only pays for our beer each week, it allows us to purchase beers for the tween Syrian refugees who help run the show.

See you all in 2019!

If you don’t pay attention, changes in the world can pass you by without ever even noticing them. Though you’re likely to notice the 6’2″, 220 pound frame of Men’s Handball Champ turned Women’s Handball Champ, Hannah Mouncey, as she barrels through female-born opponents like a hot, big-ass cleaver through butter. Awaiting feminist response as to what to do about the brutes turned dames quickly gobbling up women’s sports.

In addition to the Mouncey Trouncey factor, on this week’s Last Men on Earth podcast we select our LMOE Persons of the Year, kind of sort of defend Kevin Hart while pointing out rampant anti-gay material in black comics material, discuss Amy Schumer’s latest nauseating attempt to seem common and connected to regular people, and figure out that Harvey Weinstein is likely to get off on every single sex-charge he’s facing due to the quid pro quo nature of his relationships with every single woman he she-banged or bathed in front of. It’s a lot to process, but we have a second grade reading level, so it all evens out.

Don’t forget to support our righteous cause, our anti-deplatforming dreams, and donate a buck or two to the Last Men on Earth podcast on Patreon.com. It helps us be that much more high when we talk to you.

The term patriarchy now seems entirely invented by feminists to pretend it’s men, not women, who are tearing down women. You know how men love to judge, gossip, and snipe about how women look or act or parent. Those patriarchal men can’t help but be catty. While women want nothing more than to support each other in a female driven Utopia. That’s the dream. If you can dream it. Or the lie, if you like the truth.

On this week’s Last Men on Earth Podcast, we explore how Natalie Portman bikini-boob shaming Jessica Simpson for her teen bikini music videos in the 1990’s saying that they were a liking to videos shown on amateur porn site www.watchmygirlfriend.xxx is a prime example of women can never truly unify, discuss the cupcakes at Columbia University who turned the mic off on comedian Nimesh Patel because he told a racy joke, Matt reveal how his deep detective work into Rain Dove’s gender attack claim led him to going on a mini-golf date with the androgynous sort of model, and we wonder why the NFL and football fans make a big deal about the dudes caught on video beating up their ladies, while not particularly caring much for all the dudes doing the same not caught on video. You gotta love football. That’s not ironic.

In our Patreon subscriber bonus segment this week, we get into porn. More specifically, how Tumblr is now removing porn from its site which is basically a porn site because nobody can have fun anymore on the official advertiser friendly Internet. And that sucks. Not that you can’t still find amazing porn online for a start this ones a good one https://www.tubev.sex/categories/1151/tits, but that you can’t run an ad-based business online that isn’t G-rated and PC to the hilt.

This week’s show as usual was dedicated to the outrage of the offended and the offenders as arbitrarily decided in this world by who shouts the loudest. Sometimes, you need to speak truth to power. Other times, you need to kick truth in the nuts to wake it up and remind all the ninnies and nincompoops that they’re essentially liars with bullhorns and friendly news networks.

On this week’s Last Men on Earth Podcast, we delve into the non-science of gender fluidity and how one high school in a trendy area of England now has dozens and dozens of young teens reporting they’re transgender, conquer the mystery of Teskahi69 and his intellectual intricacies, wonder what Lena Dunham’s ovaries smell like — probably cat good, Matt goes off on a beta male-she-beast couple in a Black Friday TV ad for GMC trucks, we both kind of agree we wanted the Christian missionary to die by arrows on that Indian Ocean island, and how can we not applaud Ellen Pompeo for asking all privileged Caucasians to stand up for non-Caucasians on movie sets? That’s rhetorical. You can’t not applaud.

In this week’s Patreon members bonus section, we discuss the inherent plight of Jordan Rodgers in publicly calling out his far more successful and stoic older brother, Aaron Rodgers. Is it even possible for the younger, loser brother to ever win these public battles?

The world has turned upside down and all the Chinese people have fallen off. It’s our job to fix what is rotten on this planet with semi-literate commentary on the week’s events. It doesn’t pay well, and there is no paternity leave, but everybody here speaks English and can take a dick joke. So there’s that.

On this week’s Last Men on Earth Podcast, we delve deep into the deep throating done by major cities to attract Jeff Bezos to their metro portals, mock GQ magazine for selecting Serena Williams as their sweet biceps of the year, talk a lot about this enormous chick in England who’s breastfeeding her daughter at age nine, kind of defend Kim and Kanye for their private firefighting mercenaries, lament how sophisticated sexual assault coaches have become in shaping the testimony of both real and false rape accusers, surmise reasons why the field in Mexico City wasn’t ready for this weekend’s mega NFL abroad game, and say a bunch of other incredibly inane things that once in a while make sense. Somebody’s got to speak truth to power.

And in our bonus segment for Patreon members, we slide into the thongs of Victoria’s Secret models and defend the slave-labor fueled mega-panties company for refusing to allow transgendered females and BBW’s walk in their annual show. We’re probably dead already, at least on the inside.

Sally Forth.

Lex.

The entire premise of this little 100,000,000 audience strong Last Men on Earth podcast is that men are under siege in these times of feminist planet hijackings. As if women can fly. Just kidding. No I’m not. Make this stop. When we began the show a few years ago, it was mostly that. Never did we foresee that it would be a massive rise in soy males apologizing on behalf of their gender that would be dealing the fatal blow. Never underestimate the power of random people to disappoint you.

On this week’s Last Men on Earth podcast, we dissect a NY Times essay by a man calling for all men to admit their sexists jerks by nature, question whether or not Ellen should keep writing fat fantasy checks to people she’s told have a year left to live, mostly laugh again at WNBA players comparing themselves to NBA players, wonder exactly what the drug dosage threshold is before a celebrity death from crank will be ruled something other than an accident, and delve into the dispute between Rebel Wilson and Black Twitter and how it might be all solved with coupons to the Golden Corral. That’s sexist and fat shaming merged into one yummy bite.

In our Panties in a Bunch bonus segment for Patreon members, we cover the 0-fer record of celebrity endorsements and apocalyptic promotions in this past week’s Midterm Elections. Oh, but they are losers in both the figurative and literal sense.

Moral outrage is directly proportional to the general number of skeletons in one’s closet. Normal people good with their soul compass don’t feel a need to lecture others on right and wrong. People who used to giggle and clap while Louis C.K. tugged one out on the living room couch tend to cover with lots of #MeToo tweets. It’s human nature. You can’t fight nature.

On this week’s Last Men on Earth podcast we cover Sarah Silverman’s unappetizing reveal that she used to be Louis C.K.’s consensual fluff from across the room friend, debate how fair it is to label Kobe Bryant a sex offender despite never being convicted of any crimes, dive deep into tranny transgenders and their battle to be seen as women under Title IX, anoint Amy Schumer’s turning down Super Bowl ads she never received as the worst of slacktavism, and wonder why it’s coincidentally always bubble blonde waitresses who receive those mega tips for no good reason. Basically, everything you need to know to be informed around the water cooler at work and shortly thereafter, fired.

And in our Patreon signer uppers Bonus Content segment this week, we explore how the PC police are trying to ruin the perfectly slutty, drunk adult party holiday of Halloween. Don’t take away our hot nurses, por favor.

Pro Tip of the Day: no matter how much you love your rub and tug masseuse, continue to use your fake name. This comes to us from a guy who just woke up in Bangkok with a rip-roaring headache and only one kidney.

On this week’s Last Men on Earth Podcast, Matt and I delve into Elizabeth Warren’s Cherokee genes, support the trans power bottom suing the shit out of the Shitty Men in Media google doc list publisher, wonder how long until SNL drops the hammer on charity case Pete Davidson, work through the pathology of Aaron Hernandez and his locker room free-balling, and initiate a new segment: This Week in Crazy White Privileged Chicks. It’s offensive, but also crude.

For those of you who feel like making Jesus and the Karmic gods look upon you kindly, be sure to visit our Patreon account and spend $1 (or more) becoming a LMOE subscriber. We are a public good. And you are the kind of person who feels guilty. We’re counting on it.

This is no time for White Males to stand up and be counted. The stanzas of simplistic chants directed at your patriarchal domineering alone are enough to make you want to build a rocket ship and aim toward a new sun. Nevertheless, Matt and I, the two whitest males in the history of alabaster masculinity remain determined to fight the tide. Not for a noble purpose so much as we drank too much and can’t find the door. I like beer.

On this week’s prophetic podcast, we delve deep into the radically enraged minds of college educated white women who are stomping around the planet like elephants in musth, which is bullishly ironic, we tackle the issue of false allegations prevalent in sexual assault cases and how Believe Her basically means more innocent black men will be fucked, Matt for some reason feels a need to call all Eagles music fans simpleton assholes, and then we dream of ways to kill hipsters on Bird motorized scooters in coastal towns. It’s all fun, except for the murder part, we’re serious about that part.

In this week’s Patreon members Bonus Segment, we plummet into the protesting cleavage of Emily Ratajkowski and try to make some salient points while mostly skimming through her Best Of photos on Google. Safe Search definitely off.