It’s tough being a football fan what with all the raping and the beating on the part of the players. Plus now there’s not even the comfort of your Ashley Madison account or grown man surgically adjusted to look like young Justin Beiber to turn to. It’s even getting risky to fuck your high school teacher these days. What have we become? Let’s at least put Terence Howard in jail on TV if we can’t jail him in real life, and take all the booze off the USC campus to punish everyone for Steve Sarkisian’s imaginary problem.
Pedophiles run Hollywood, luckily Ben Affleck found a fully grown nanny. Trump leads a clown race, Kylie Jenner ruins birthdays forever while Kiran Ghandi ruins marathons, leading Lex to run away with a dolphin.
A dentist kills a lion, drugs kill Bobbi Kristina Brown, a hooker kills a serial killer, the Cosby 35 shoot to kill, and there’s a new transsexual modeling agency so could we please just let Kylie Jenner fuck legally already?
Cosby’s exposed, Cruise may be exposed, Cait is overexposed, Ashley Madison users are exposed, 50 Cent exposed as broke, and God exposes himself to Russell Wilson.
Rue from the Hunger Games claims Kylie Jenner appropriates black culture, Lex & Matt claim the Duggar family appropriate cult culture, Donald Trump claims Mexicans appropriate our women & belongings, and Serena Williams appropriates masculinity while Caitlyn Jenner appropriates the Arthur Ashe courage award.
It’s a wacky, mixed-up world. Jason Pierre-Paul gets sidelined by a firework while George Takei does an end zone dance, De’Andre Jordan goes full Mayweather, Dukes of Hazard is cancelled while ESPN does art porn. At least Ben Affleck is free to get his freak on now, released from the bonds of marriage. Sail on, Holden.
Will Larry Nance Jr. forgive Kobe Bryant? Will Paris Hilton forgive her Egyptian pranksters? Who gives a fuck, at least Donald Trump is still entertaining.
Obama deploys the N-Bomb, Belgians kill themselves and Miley Cyrus ruins life for all men. Matt argues against sports but in favor of an IQ-based age of consent, Lex wishes Caitlyn Jenner a happy Father’s Day while leering at his underage daughter.
Miley’s gender fluidity is as believeable as Hillary’s Spotify playlist, Amy Schumer starts a waiter-based charity foundation and Lisa Lampanelli tells Lex & Matt she’s pissed Louis CK never masturbated in front of her. This episode sponsored by ThePornDude.com!